I've never thought I had a problem loving myself because I have pretty high self esteem. It turns out those two things are not the same and having one doesn't mean you have the other. I take a lot of pride in my accomplishments, and I rarely doubt my ability to achieve any goal I set for myself, but lately I am realizing that I haven't been loving myself.
About a year ago, I came to realize that I did not know how to meet my own emotional needs. I expected others to fill that role and provide me with love, support, encouragement, and positivity when I lacked it. If I were sad, I looked to others to make me happy. If I were lonely, I expected the people who said they cared about me to be there to alleviate my loneliness. If I were angry, I expected the person whose behavior had triggered my anger to change themselves to appease me. I have learned that I alone am responsible for fulfilling my emotional needs and that, in fact, others really can't do this for me.
Before my ex walked out on me a year ago last April, he had asked me to take the Love Languages quiz with him, which I did. I learned that my primary love language is acts of service. Last month, the day before I was leaving on vacation, I had an epiphany. I had to mow the lawn that morning. I hate mowing the lawn, but I don't have anyone else to do it and can't really afford to pay someone right now. On my way to meet a friend, I realized that even though my primary love language is acts of service, I actively refuse to let anyone help me. Ever. Had someone offered to mow my lawn for me, I would have refused insistently for two reasons. 1) I believe that asking for help is weakness (even if the help is proffered, and 2) I don't want to owe anyone anything. (I don't yet know how this latter belief was developed.) Besides if someone really loved me, they'd insist just as hard to do it and even sneak and mow my yard behind my back if they had to. Seriously, Tif? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
There have been all kinds of people in my life trying to love me the way I want and need, and I stand in their way and block them from doing it. "Nah, thanks but no thanks. I can do it myself." This was the moment I realized that I don't love myself. Not because I don't want to or because I think I don't deserve it. I am an awesome person, and I totally deserve love. It's because I never knew how, and if I don't know how to love me, how the fuck is anyone else supposed to know how to do it? It's my job to tell people how I want to be loved, and if I can't do that, I can't get pissed when they don't do it right. And I certainly can't throw a pity party for myself (NOBODY LOVES ME!) when intuitive, discerning people try to love me the way I want and need, and I block them from doing it. I have to stop standing in their way when they try to offer me the love I want.
Because I never received love the way I needed as a child, I actively put up barriers in my adult life, expecting that someone who REALLY loved me will meet my needs anyway despite my resistance, that they'll "inflict some care" on me as I heard someone say once. But forced love isn't love.
So now I am working on figuring out how to love me, so that I can love myself fully the way I deserve to be loved, and so that when I find my someone to spend the rest of my life with, whether my ex and I eventually work things out or I meet an amazing new someone, I will be able to communicate to him the things that make me feel loved, and so he can do the same with me.
So far, I am making good progress. :) <3
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