Searching for My Truth

I was reading about intuition tonight. Part of the reading cautioned against relying on others' opinions and beliefs as guides to personal truths. I think this has been the greatest cause of my indecisiveness about relationships over the last year and a half. I know what is true for me. It hasn't changed since July 4, 2012. But other people's opinions and beliefs sometimes distract me from that truth. I second guess myself: "What of they're right?" Their wisdom is logical and ubiquitous, but it's still their wisdom. What is true for others is not necessarily true for me. My second guessing and constant questioning of what I want and what I should do is the result of not listening for the answer the Universe has for me. Instead, I've been trying to force solutions that don't fit my needs. I think I've been doing all of this out of fear. I don't like where I am right now in my romantic life, and I fear that things won't turn out the way I want them to. Ultimately, though, I have to accept that I can't control the outcome. All I can do is listen to my heart and do what I believe is right for me. The question all this time has simply been whether I trust myself enough to do that. I see now that the answer has been no. Moving forward, I want to learn to listen and to trust myself enough to feel confident and secure in my choices in this area of my life. There is no room (nor reason) for doubt on Wonder Woman's path. There is only the goal and the way to goal. If I focus on my goal, the results will unfold the way they are meant to.

(Un)Comfortably Numb

Yesterday after my a text conversation with my ex, I started to feel the numbness of my love avoidance take its familiar place around my heart. Between work stress, financial stress, car troubles, furnace troubles, and a new relationship, hearing from the man I believe to be my soul mate was just too much. I shut down. The brick walls went up. And I don't know how to take them back down. Truth be told, I am rather enjoying not feeling right now. Disconnecting my emotions from people and events is helping me regain some much needed sanity in the midst of all this chaos. 

So what's the problem?

Erecting my walls usually destroys anyone standing near me. I don't do it on purpose. It happens independent of my conscious will. I become overwhelmed, and it just happens. To save me. To keep me from losing myself. Others don't understand. The just see the wall and don't understand why I am so suddenly unreachable. 

If I'm being completely honest with myself, I'm trying to hold on to him just as hard as I'm trying to let him go. Obviously, that isn't working out very well. I am terrified that whatever choice I make will be the wrong choice. What if I let go only to find out that I could have had everything I ever wanted if only I'd held out just a little longer? What if I hold on and end up spending the rest of my life waiting for someone who will never choose me? 

I've always wanted a love that burned like the sun, a love that if destroyed would take down the whole world with it. But I don't think I have the energy for that kind of love again. The other part of me just wants something calm and dependable. But then I get bored. Maybe I just wasn't made for relationships after all.