(Un)Comfortably Numb

Yesterday after my a text conversation with my ex, I started to feel the numbness of my love avoidance take its familiar place around my heart. Between work stress, financial stress, car troubles, furnace troubles, and a new relationship, hearing from the man I believe to be my soul mate was just too much. I shut down. The brick walls went up. And I don't know how to take them back down. Truth be told, I am rather enjoying not feeling right now. Disconnecting my emotions from people and events is helping me regain some much needed sanity in the midst of all this chaos. 

So what's the problem?

Erecting my walls usually destroys anyone standing near me. I don't do it on purpose. It happens independent of my conscious will. I become overwhelmed, and it just happens. To save me. To keep me from losing myself. Others don't understand. The just see the wall and don't understand why I am so suddenly unreachable. 

If I'm being completely honest with myself, I'm trying to hold on to him just as hard as I'm trying to let him go. Obviously, that isn't working out very well. I am terrified that whatever choice I make will be the wrong choice. What if I let go only to find out that I could have had everything I ever wanted if only I'd held out just a little longer? What if I hold on and end up spending the rest of my life waiting for someone who will never choose me? 

I've always wanted a love that burned like the sun, a love that if destroyed would take down the whole world with it. But I don't think I have the energy for that kind of love again. The other part of me just wants something calm and dependable. But then I get bored. Maybe I just wasn't made for relationships after all.