Over-Achiever

Completely unbeknownst to me, I grew up being affected by family members suffering with a variety of addictions including drugs, alcohol, and love. As a result, I suffered trauma that could otherwise have been avoided. Part of that trauma was feeling neglected and unloved in my family. Perfectionism and overachieving were the primary coping mechanisms I developed. Both allowed me to try to earn the love of my family and simultaneously prove to myself that I was completely unworthy of love. Never feeling good enough has permeated my life and my self-image, which in turn, drove me to strive harder. 

In my adult years, this turned into my own addiction. I became a workaholic. While I was working on my BA and MA degrees, I took double course loads. Once I secured adjunct teaching work, I would stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning grading, over-preparing for classes, and doing extra work I wasn't getting paid for in hopes that it would lead to a full-time, tenure track position. I was so stressed out all the time, that I eventually developed an allergy to stress and started experiencing all kinds of skin problems and compromising my immune system. I knew I was risking my health, and even worse neglecting my daughter, but I couldn't stop working and taking on more and more work.

I don't know exactly how I was able to hit the brakes on this toxic cycle, but after realizing what I was doing to myself and having met someone who inspired me to want to work less and spend more time with him and actually build a family together, I was able to cut out all the extra projects, streamline my teaching and grading load, and cut way back on my work altogether. That person is no longer in my life, but the lessons I learned from him remain in tact. I still have days, even weeks, where I feel overworked and overstressed, but overall I am in a much better place than I was 5-7 years ago. 

Today, I am preparing for a job interview for a position I have wanted and been working toward my whole life. I have been rejected for this position at least half a dozen times before, but each time I get closer to achieving my dream.  My feelings are complicated because being offered and accepting this position would mean more work and more responsibility, but it would also mean more autonomy, more authority, and more opportunity. When I think about why I want the job--why I have always wanted this job--it mostly boils down to the achievement and the love I think it will win me. I'm a professor, mommy. Will you love me now? I'm a professor, brother. Will you protect me now? I'm a professor, daddy. Will you come home now? I'm a professor, grandmother. Will you respect me now? I'm a professor, family. Am I good enough now? 

But for the first time in my life, I am starting to see that I am worthy of love outside any accomplishment. I am worthy of love just because I exist. I have been able to reach this understanding as a result of a lot of hard psychological and spiritual work. To my family's credit, several of them have been doing this kind of hard work too and been succeeding in showing me their love. I hope I am doing the same. 

I don't know if I'll be offered this job. There is still a part of me that longs for this validation from my colleagues and my employer. Overall, though, I know without doubt that I am great at what I do regardless of whether I get this position. Truthfully, a part of me does not want the job. I feel generally exhausted, defeated, and quite demoralized by my work. However, I also feel bored, stifled, and passionless, and I think this position could be the trigger I need to reignite my creativity and passion. 

One thing I do know now, though: I am worthy of love. Whatever others may think or feel, I love myself, and I don't need to achieve anything to earn my love or the love of others.