Obsession

You know that feeling when you have a crush on someone--the rush, the excitement, the constant daydreaming about the person? It feels good, all those happy hormones flooding your body. But if you're anything like me, you might end up wasting hours daydreaming about experiences with that person that haven't happened, aren't happening right now, and quite frankly may not ever happen. You might engage in this thinking at the expense of other things you should be getting done--in my case grading papers, doing laundry, or even just enjoying the present moment by reading a book or going for a hike. This kind of obsessive thinking is not the byproduct of a healthy mind, and I engage in this kind of thinking in just about every area of my life.

The other day I was writing a poem. I worked on it off and on throughout the day and was making really good progress on it, but I as got close to finishing it, I started to feel stuck. I started obsessing over words and phrasing and rhymes. The more I obsessed, the more frustrated I got, the more the last stanza just wouldn't come together, and then I started questioning everything else I had written up to that point. Maybe I would have to scrap it all and start over. I hadn't slept well the night before (one of the many negative side effects of obsession), so I decided to set the poem aside and take a nap. When I woke up from my nap, I was hungry, so I made some dinner. Once I had taken some time to take care of myself, I returned to the poem, and the ending came together in a relatively short time. This particular situation was relatively insignificant, but it shows how easily I can slip into obsessive thinking and how when I step away from my obsessive thoughts and take care of my actual needs, the solution usually comes with little effort.

I don't tend to worry much anymore. It's relatively easy for me to figure out whether I have any control over a problem or not and then either execute a solution or just let it go. Most of my obsessive thinking is daydreaming about the future. Like the example of having a crush, I will take various aspects of my life and engage in seemingly endless daydreaming about things I hope to happen next week, next month, next year. I have noticed that I spend several hours several evenings a week staring at my budget spreadsheet. There aren't any problems with my budget. It has been working well, and I am quite happy with it. The issue is that I wish I could accelerate my progress toward paying off my debts. I stare at the spreadsheet and imagine my next paycheck and the one after that and the one after that and envision how long it will take to pay off each debt. It's as if I think staring and my budget and thinking these thoughts will somehow accelerate the process. Some might argue that visualizing the results I want is a good way to maintain my motivation. (I don't know about you, but I'm a master at justifying ways my bad behavior is actually a good thing.) The problem, though, is that I don't do this for ten minutes. I do it for two or three hours. That's two to three hours wasted that I could have spent getting chores done, reading a book, working on my bathroom remodel that has been stalled out for 10 months, journaling, checking up on a friend, or meditating--things that would actually bring joy to my life and help me grow as a person or just do something productive.

I've noticed that my obsession is triggered by boredom. I really don't want to wash dishes or invest hard work in my remodeling project. It's much easier to sit and daydream. I get a sick pleasure from living in a fictional future space that allows me to escape an undesirable present moment. If I'm being honest with myself, there are a lot of ways in which I am dissatisfied with the present: I'm irritated that I can't make my debt disappear instantaneously, I am disgruntled with the fact that I have 20 more years until I can retire instead of being able to quit working now, I am unhappy with the fact that I don't have a romantic partner in my life. There is nothing I can do to change these circumstances right this moment. And rather than invest my energy into something that I do have control over, I am wasting hours upon precious hours of my life daydreaming about how I wish things were, which ultimately leaves me feeling worse than before I started obsessing.

This evening I had the opportunity to talk to a group of people struggling with this same issue and listen as they shared the ways they escape their obsessions. I can meditate, I can journal, I can read something that nourishes my soul, I can keep my head with my hands and get some chores done that I have been putting off, I can find a way to be of service to someone else. All of these things can help me get out of my toxic habit of obsessive thinking and do something with the present moment that is worthwhile and will enrich my life instead of waste it.