As someone who has experienced trauma, I have some issues in romantic relationships, and I end up choosing men who have issues related to past trauma as well. It's no surprise, then, that I have not had much luck sustaining long-term, stable, healthy romantic relationships. Today, though, I have tools I didn't have back then. I am learning how to cope with my emotions in a mature way. I have learned that no one else is responsible for reading my mind and giving me what I want, taking care of my emotional state, or meeting any of my needs. This is my job, and I am learning how to do these things for myself.
I don't believe in accidents. Everything happens for a reason. I knew I was going to listen to a speaker talk about applying spiritual principles to our lives to help us get along better with others. I had no idea it was going to be specifically about love relationships. As I walk this path of healing and growth, the universe puts me where I need to be. I got so much out of this day and am so grateful the universe led me to this event. It gives me hope that there is someone out there for me. I don't think the universe would have led me to this workshop if it weren't going to be useful to me later down this road I am traveling.
I know that as a woman in today's world wanting a romantic relationship above all else is somewhat looked down on, but I want what I want. Yes, I can certainly live a happy, full life on my own, but what I want most, more than any of the exciting adventures I have planned on my life's bucket list, is a man to share this life with--someone I love and who loves me in return, someone who is my best friend, someone with whom I feel a strong physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual connection with.
Today's speaker spoke what is in my heart more succinctly than I probably could: "There's nothing better than a relationship where there's love, and there's nothing more painful than when it isn't working. Good relationships require work, but it's worth it. It's so worth it." I firmly believe that this life is exciting and wonderful and worth living all on its own, but that it is infinitely richer when we have someone special to share it with. I know, probably more than most, how difficult and painful relationships can be, but I am willing to put in whatever work is necessary in order to have the treasure of loving and being committed to a man who loves and is committed to me.
I didn't always feel this way. After ending two relatively happy, healthy, serious relationships after my divorce from my abusive ex-husband, I decided that relationships just weren't for me. I always felt unfulfilled. There was always something missing that I could never quite put my finger on. At this point, I spent a few years in a long string of short-term, mostly physical relationships, sometimes more than one at a time. And, believe it or not, I felt happy with this arrangement. What I didn't get from one man, I got from another. I always had companionship and never felt unfulfilled. I really thought I could live the rest of my life this way. I realize now that I used sex as a substitute for emotional intimacy because it allowed me to feel close to someone without ever having to actually be close to someone. I had developed this and other love avoidant behaviors as a result of the trauma I experienced in an abusive marriage and prior to that at the hands of a pedophilic stepdad when I was an adolescent.
I eventually met someone who completely changed my attitude about relationships. For the first time in my life I found a man I felt completely safe with and with whom I connected in every way: physically, emotionally, intellectually, and to my surprise, spiritually. We didn't have a perfect relationship, but it was exactly the relationship I needed in order to want to be monogamous with someone. I thought this was it, my forever guy. But after almost three years, he left. At that point, I started taking extreme steps to "fix" myself, so I could win him back. I started seeing a counselor, reading every psychology book I could find that addressed my issues, and I started attending a twelve step group specifically for family members of alcoholics and addicts.
At first, I was doing all this work for him, to win him back. As time went on, however, and I saw how much better I felt as I started to heal from some of my past trauma, I stopped doing it for him and started doing it for me. As I continued to heal, I finally chose to stop chasing him and turned him down when he finally did want me back.
I am so grateful for that ex-boyfriend who set me on this path, even if it started out as a toxic journey on my part to try to fix myself and win his love, because today I am healing and growing for me and for my future partner whoever he may be, so that I can have a healthy love relationship with that person. I don't know who he is or when I will find him, but I do know that he will be worth the wait and the work. And even if I never find him, I am worth it. Because all of this work is helping me be a happier and healthier me even if I never have a man to share that with.
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