I Better Not Hear You Complain About It

Have you ever made a choice willingly, knowing how hard it was going to be? Maybe you decided to start running or lifting weights because you knew it was good for your health. Does that mean you necessarily like that choice and suddenly enjoy going to the gym? Probably not. Getting fit sucks. It's hard, grueling work. You will sweat. You will be in pain. A lot of pain some days. And you'll probably complain...a lot. 

Humans love to complain. We complain about everything. Even if our lives are going really well, and we have nothing significant to complain about, we'll find something to complain about. If we can't find something, we'll invent something. It's part of our psychological makeup. 

Despite that little fact that our brains are hardwired for complaining, other people get sick of hearing us complain, especially when we complain about situations we are actively choosing. 

     Person 1: "Ugh! This class is so hard. I hate it."
     Person 2: "You chose to take it. I don't even want to hear it."

     Person 1: "The gym is killing me. I'm so sore all the time."

     Person 2: "Then stop going. You choose to go. Stop complaining about it already."

     Person 1: "I'm so fucking exhausted from all this overtime."
     Person 2: "Stop complaining. You signed up for OT."

     Person 1: "My boyfriend is so irritating. He _____ again."
     Person 2: "I've heard you complain about that at least half a dozen times this week. If you don't
                      like it, break up with him. Otherwise, shut up about it."

Guess what? You are allowed to make choices that you think are the right choices for you and still complain about them. Let me repeat that. You are allowed to complain about your choices. Just because you choose something, doesn't mean it won't be difficult, overwhelming even. Parts of the situation may feel impossible to bear at times, but we make the choice because we know that however much we might be suffering now, it will be worth it in the long run. We're chasing an end result that is important to us for whatever reason, but that doesn't make enduring the hard parts of that choice any easier. We complain because we are suffering and sharing what we're going through with our friends and family, the people who are supposed to love and support us, is what helps us get through those really tough parts of the choices we want to make for ourselves. 

I admit I could be wrong about this, but to my knowledge, I have never told someone that they weren't allowed to complain about something difficult in their life just because it was a result of their own choices. That, in my opinion, is just being a shitty friend. I know that class is hard. I know the gym feels like torture. I know you're doing everything you can to overcome the financial adversity you're facing. I know your boyfriend is a complete goober sometimes. I also know that all your goals are worth the pain you're going through. So go on and complain. We all need our loved ones to simply lend a listening ear and offer encouragement that we can get through it.

If there are people in your life you simply will not or cannot do that for you, then maybe choose not to share those parts of your life with them. Why go looking for support where you know you won't find it. I can promise you, though, that you will find it in me, and I hope I can count on you to be someone I can lean on when my choices are hard to get through. 

Love & Trauma

Today, I spent the day at a workshop focused on applying spiritual principles to relationships that was specifically geared toward people who have experienced trauma. I didn't know this was the topic the speaker would address, but the universe knew I needed to be there.

As someone who has experienced trauma, I have some issues in romantic relationships, and I end up choosing men who have issues related to past trauma as well. It's no surprise, then, that I have not had much luck sustaining long-term, stable, healthy romantic relationships. Today, though, I have tools I didn't have back then. I am learning how to cope with my emotions in a mature way. I have learned that no one else is responsible for reading my mind and giving me what I want, taking care of my emotional state, or meeting any of my needs. This is my job, and I am learning how to do these things for myself.

I don't believe in accidents. Everything happens for a reason. I knew I was going to listen to a speaker talk about applying spiritual principles to our lives to help us get along better with others. I had no idea it was going to be specifically about love relationships. As I walk this path of healing and growth, the universe puts me where I need to be. I got so much out of this day and am so grateful the universe led me to this event. It gives me hope that there is someone out there for me. I don't think the universe would have led me to this workshop if it weren't going to be useful to me later down this road I am traveling.

I know that as a woman in today's world wanting a romantic relationship above all else is somewhat looked down on, but I want what I want. Yes, I can certainly live a happy, full life on my own, but what I want most, more than any of the exciting adventures I have planned on my life's bucket list, is a man to share this life with--someone I love and who loves me in return, someone who is my best friend, someone with whom I feel a strong physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual connection with.

Today's speaker spoke what is in my heart more succinctly than I probably could: "There's nothing better than a relationship where there's love, and there's nothing more painful than when it isn't working. Good relationships require work, but it's worth it. It's so worth it." I firmly believe that this life is exciting and wonderful and worth living all on its own, but that it is infinitely richer when we have someone special to share it with. I know, probably more than most, how difficult and painful relationships can be, but I am willing to put in whatever work is necessary in order to have the treasure of loving and being committed to a man who loves and is committed to me.

I didn't always feel this way. After ending two relatively happy, healthy, serious relationships after my divorce from my abusive ex-husband, I decided that relationships just weren't for me. I always felt unfulfilled. There was always something missing that I could never quite put my finger on. At this point, I spent a few years in a long string of short-term, mostly physical relationships, sometimes more than one at a time. And, believe it or not, I felt happy with this arrangement. What I didn't get from one man, I got from another. I always had companionship and never felt unfulfilled. I really thought I could live the rest of my life this way. I realize now that I used sex as a substitute for emotional intimacy because it allowed me to feel close to someone without ever having to actually be close to someone. I had developed this and other love avoidant behaviors as a result of the trauma I experienced in an abusive marriage and prior to that at the hands of a pedophilic stepdad when I was an adolescent.

I eventually met someone who completely changed my attitude about relationships. For the first time in my life I found a man I felt completely safe with and with whom I connected in every way: physically, emotionally, intellectually, and to my surprise, spiritually. We didn't have a perfect relationship, but it was exactly the relationship I needed in order to want to be monogamous with someone. I thought this was it, my forever guy. But after almost three years, he left. At that point, I started taking extreme steps to "fix" myself, so I could win him back. I started seeing a counselor, reading every psychology book I could find that addressed my issues, and I started attending a twelve step group specifically for family members of alcoholics and addicts.

At first, I was doing all this work for him, to win him back. As time went on, however, and I saw how much better I felt as I started to heal from some of my past trauma, I stopped doing it for him and started doing it for me. As I continued to heal, I finally chose to stop chasing him and turned him down when he finally did want me back.

I am so grateful for that ex-boyfriend who set me on this path, even if it started out as a toxic journey on my part to try to fix myself and win his love, because today I am healing and growing for me and for my future partner whoever he may be, so that I can have a healthy love relationship with that person. I don't know who he is or when I will find him, but I do know that he will be worth the wait and the work. And even if I never find him, I am worth it. Because all of this work is helping me be a happier and healthier me even if I never have a man to share that with.

Obsession

You know that feeling when you have a crush on someone--the rush, the excitement, the constant daydreaming about the person? It feels good, all those happy hormones flooding your body. But if you're anything like me, you might end up wasting hours daydreaming about experiences with that person that haven't happened, aren't happening right now, and quite frankly may not ever happen. You might engage in this thinking at the expense of other things you should be getting done--in my case grading papers, doing laundry, or even just enjoying the present moment by reading a book or going for a hike. This kind of obsessive thinking is not the byproduct of a healthy mind, and I engage in this kind of thinking in just about every area of my life.

The other day I was writing a poem. I worked on it off and on throughout the day and was making really good progress on it, but I as got close to finishing it, I started to feel stuck. I started obsessing over words and phrasing and rhymes. The more I obsessed, the more frustrated I got, the more the last stanza just wouldn't come together, and then I started questioning everything else I had written up to that point. Maybe I would have to scrap it all and start over. I hadn't slept well the night before (one of the many negative side effects of obsession), so I decided to set the poem aside and take a nap. When I woke up from my nap, I was hungry, so I made some dinner. Once I had taken some time to take care of myself, I returned to the poem, and the ending came together in a relatively short time. This particular situation was relatively insignificant, but it shows how easily I can slip into obsessive thinking and how when I step away from my obsessive thoughts and take care of my actual needs, the solution usually comes with little effort.

I don't tend to worry much anymore. It's relatively easy for me to figure out whether I have any control over a problem or not and then either execute a solution or just let it go. Most of my obsessive thinking is daydreaming about the future. Like the example of having a crush, I will take various aspects of my life and engage in seemingly endless daydreaming about things I hope to happen next week, next month, next year. I have noticed that I spend several hours several evenings a week staring at my budget spreadsheet. There aren't any problems with my budget. It has been working well, and I am quite happy with it. The issue is that I wish I could accelerate my progress toward paying off my debts. I stare at the spreadsheet and imagine my next paycheck and the one after that and the one after that and envision how long it will take to pay off each debt. It's as if I think staring and my budget and thinking these thoughts will somehow accelerate the process. Some might argue that visualizing the results I want is a good way to maintain my motivation. (I don't know about you, but I'm a master at justifying ways my bad behavior is actually a good thing.) The problem, though, is that I don't do this for ten minutes. I do it for two or three hours. That's two to three hours wasted that I could have spent getting chores done, reading a book, working on my bathroom remodel that has been stalled out for 10 months, journaling, checking up on a friend, or meditating--things that would actually bring joy to my life and help me grow as a person or just do something productive.

I've noticed that my obsession is triggered by boredom. I really don't want to wash dishes or invest hard work in my remodeling project. It's much easier to sit and daydream. I get a sick pleasure from living in a fictional future space that allows me to escape an undesirable present moment. If I'm being honest with myself, there are a lot of ways in which I am dissatisfied with the present: I'm irritated that I can't make my debt disappear instantaneously, I am disgruntled with the fact that I have 20 more years until I can retire instead of being able to quit working now, I am unhappy with the fact that I don't have a romantic partner in my life. There is nothing I can do to change these circumstances right this moment. And rather than invest my energy into something that I do have control over, I am wasting hours upon precious hours of my life daydreaming about how I wish things were, which ultimately leaves me feeling worse than before I started obsessing.

This evening I had the opportunity to talk to a group of people struggling with this same issue and listen as they shared the ways they escape their obsessions. I can meditate, I can journal, I can read something that nourishes my soul, I can keep my head with my hands and get some chores done that I have been putting off, I can find a way to be of service to someone else. All of these things can help me get out of my toxic habit of obsessive thinking and do something with the present moment that is worthwhile and will enrich my life instead of waste it.