More Thoughts on Karma

People rarely get what they deserve, but we always get what we choose. In most cases, I think that is bad enough. Our worst problems come from not acknowledging our part in whatever is happening to us--the choices we made that led us to this specific and perhaps unpleasant circumstance. Instead, we humans often prefer to find someone to blame for our pain. In some cases, there is a perpetrator and a victim, but most often, we play both roles to our own demise.

There are very few "bad" choices in this world. There are only choices and the consequences of those choices. The consequences one finds painful, another may enjoy. The point is to learn to stop making choices that have painful consequences, so we can make more of the choices that bring us peace and joy.

I'll Be Your Good Karma If You'll Be Mine

Like a lot of people, karma--basically, the idea that people get what they deserve, good or bad--has been very appealing to me. I watched patiently, diligently for people who have wronged me in heinous ways to get their inevitable visit from karma. I have been disappointed thus far. They haven't gotten what I think they deserve for their crimes. Meanwhile, I've watched good people I love and care about suffer circumstances that there's no way they deserve.

The only logical conclusion is that there is no universal karmic justice. When I think about karma, I'm usually focused on how "bad" people deserve to be punished and how "good" people should be showered with blessings or at least be spared from suffering. Life isn't fair, and quite frankly, if we want to discuss what people deserve, none of us deserve anything...except maybe death. We don't deserve love, forgiveness, or kindness. We do, however, need these things.

I don't really believe in good and evil, but for the sake of keeping things simple, there is both good and evil in all of us. That may be difficult to see sometimes--especially the goodness in the people we've determined are evil. Most people don't do bad things to hurt others on purpose. All that pain and suffering we think others have inflicted on us is simply a byproduct of those people trying desperately to ease their own suffering, to appease their personal demons. Judgment and punishment will not cause some epiphany that changes them or their behavior. An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind, and if we all got the karma we deserved, we'd all be dead.

I propose another way. I propose that we forgive others the wrongs we think they have committed against us. (That doesn't necessarily mean restoring those relationships. More on the difference between forgiveness and restitution some other time.) I propose that whenever possible, we shower each other with kindness. I propose that we give love without conditions or ulterior motives and with no thought of what we want, expect, or think we deserve in return. Not because any of us deserve forgiveness, kindness or love, but because we all desperately need forgiveness, kindness, and love.

This is how we make the world and our own lives better and happier and more fulfilling, not by waiting for karma to give us our just desserts.

I'm tired of watching people I love wonder what they've done to deserve the hardships in their lives. I'm tired of watching the people I love senselessly suffer because they think karma is paying them back for the wrongs they have committed against others in the past. I'm tired of watching people believe their somehow superior to others because they hit the luck jackpot and have a relatively easy, pain-free life.

Redemption arcs are my favorite character arcs, and while none of us deserve redemption, we all need it. The only karma I see in this world is what we dole out to one another. I for one am tired of playing judge, jury, and executioner. From here on out, I'll be your good karma if you'll be mine. And even if you won't, I won't be your bad karma delivery service. If it turns out karma is real, why not sow as much love as you can to come back to you?

Filling Holes

You know that hole people talk about? The one we're all trying to fill with something we think will make us whole, happy? Some try to fill it with a significant other or sex, drugs, alcohol, work, exercise, food, religion. Religious people will try to convince you that only god can fill that hole, but that hole inside you isn't god-shaped, or food-shaped, or any other shape. Maybe I'm late to the party of understanding, but I realized today that hole is an absence of love, and the only way to fill it is with love. 

I've been desperately wondering my whole life why my family doesn't love me, why my romantic partners over the years haven't loved me, why my friends don't love me. The truth is they just don't know how, and quite frankly I'm tired of trying to earn other people's love. Nor am I interested in trying to explain to people how to love me. For the most part, I'm not even sure any one of these people is capable of loving me the way I need to be loved. The only person who can do that is me. I'm a little bit resentful about that right now, but I imagine I'll come around eventually. I'm already starting to just a little bit.

There's a lot of talk these days about self-love, but I haven't encountered very many people who seem to actually know how to do it. Apparently, it's pretty simple. You think about what you'd like other people to do to show you that they love you. Then you do those things for yourself. I'm still pretty new to taking care of myself, and this sounds like a raw deal to me. The whole point is that I want someone else to love me and take care of me. At some point, however, you have to face the truth. Well, I do, at least. No one is going to do it for me. In 39 years of life on this planet, no one has stepped up and loved me in the ways I feel loved. So it's gotta be me. It's me or nobody. I might not like it. I might hate it even. And trust me, I do. But these are my options. 

I Better Not Hear You Complain About It

Have you ever made a choice willingly, knowing how hard it was going to be? Maybe you decided to start running or lifting weights because you knew it was good for your health. Does that mean you necessarily like that choice and suddenly enjoy going to the gym? Probably not. Getting fit sucks. It's hard, grueling work. You will sweat. You will be in pain. A lot of pain some days. And you'll probably complain...a lot. 

Humans love to complain. We complain about everything. Even if our lives are going really well, and we have nothing significant to complain about, we'll find something to complain about. If we can't find something, we'll invent something. It's part of our psychological makeup. 

Despite that little fact that our brains are hardwired for complaining, other people get sick of hearing us complain, especially when we complain about situations we are actively choosing. 

     Person 1: "Ugh! This class is so hard. I hate it."
     Person 2: "You chose to take it. I don't even want to hear it."

     Person 1: "The gym is killing me. I'm so sore all the time."

     Person 2: "Then stop going. You choose to go. Stop complaining about it already."

     Person 1: "I'm so fucking exhausted from all this overtime."
     Person 2: "Stop complaining. You signed up for OT."

     Person 1: "My boyfriend is so irritating. He _____ again."
     Person 2: "I've heard you complain about that at least half a dozen times this week. If you don't
                      like it, break up with him. Otherwise, shut up about it."

Guess what? You are allowed to make choices that you think are the right choices for you and still complain about them. Let me repeat that. You are allowed to complain about your choices. Just because you choose something, doesn't mean it won't be difficult, overwhelming even. Parts of the situation may feel impossible to bear at times, but we make the choice because we know that however much we might be suffering now, it will be worth it in the long run. We're chasing an end result that is important to us for whatever reason, but that doesn't make enduring the hard parts of that choice any easier. We complain because we are suffering and sharing what we're going through with our friends and family, the people who are supposed to love and support us, is what helps us get through those really tough parts of the choices we want to make for ourselves. 

I admit I could be wrong about this, but to my knowledge, I have never told someone that they weren't allowed to complain about something difficult in their life just because it was a result of their own choices. That, in my opinion, is just being a shitty friend. I know that class is hard. I know the gym feels like torture. I know you're doing everything you can to overcome the financial adversity you're facing. I know your boyfriend is a complete goober sometimes. I also know that all your goals are worth the pain you're going through. So go on and complain. We all need our loved ones to simply lend a listening ear and offer encouragement that we can get through it.

If there are people in your life you simply will not or cannot do that for you, then maybe choose not to share those parts of your life with them. Why go looking for support where you know you won't find it. I can promise you, though, that you will find it in me, and I hope I can count on you to be someone I can lean on when my choices are hard to get through. 

Love & Trauma

Today, I spent the day at a workshop focused on applying spiritual principles to relationships that was specifically geared toward people who have experienced trauma. I didn't know this was the topic the speaker would address, but the universe knew I needed to be there.

As someone who has experienced trauma, I have some issues in romantic relationships, and I end up choosing men who have issues related to past trauma as well. It's no surprise, then, that I have not had much luck sustaining long-term, stable, healthy romantic relationships. Today, though, I have tools I didn't have back then. I am learning how to cope with my emotions in a mature way. I have learned that no one else is responsible for reading my mind and giving me what I want, taking care of my emotional state, or meeting any of my needs. This is my job, and I am learning how to do these things for myself.

I don't believe in accidents. Everything happens for a reason. I knew I was going to listen to a speaker talk about applying spiritual principles to our lives to help us get along better with others. I had no idea it was going to be specifically about love relationships. As I walk this path of healing and growth, the universe puts me where I need to be. I got so much out of this day and am so grateful the universe led me to this event. It gives me hope that there is someone out there for me. I don't think the universe would have led me to this workshop if it weren't going to be useful to me later down this road I am traveling.

I know that as a woman in today's world wanting a romantic relationship above all else is somewhat looked down on, but I want what I want. Yes, I can certainly live a happy, full life on my own, but what I want most, more than any of the exciting adventures I have planned on my life's bucket list, is a man to share this life with--someone I love and who loves me in return, someone who is my best friend, someone with whom I feel a strong physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual connection with.

Today's speaker spoke what is in my heart more succinctly than I probably could: "There's nothing better than a relationship where there's love, and there's nothing more painful than when it isn't working. Good relationships require work, but it's worth it. It's so worth it." I firmly believe that this life is exciting and wonderful and worth living all on its own, but that it is infinitely richer when we have someone special to share it with. I know, probably more than most, how difficult and painful relationships can be, but I am willing to put in whatever work is necessary in order to have the treasure of loving and being committed to a man who loves and is committed to me.

I didn't always feel this way. After ending two relatively happy, healthy, serious relationships after my divorce from my abusive ex-husband, I decided that relationships just weren't for me. I always felt unfulfilled. There was always something missing that I could never quite put my finger on. At this point, I spent a few years in a long string of short-term, mostly physical relationships, sometimes more than one at a time. And, believe it or not, I felt happy with this arrangement. What I didn't get from one man, I got from another. I always had companionship and never felt unfulfilled. I really thought I could live the rest of my life this way. I realize now that I used sex as a substitute for emotional intimacy because it allowed me to feel close to someone without ever having to actually be close to someone. I had developed this and other love avoidant behaviors as a result of the trauma I experienced in an abusive marriage and prior to that at the hands of a pedophilic stepdad when I was an adolescent.

I eventually met someone who completely changed my attitude about relationships. For the first time in my life I found a man I felt completely safe with and with whom I connected in every way: physically, emotionally, intellectually, and to my surprise, spiritually. We didn't have a perfect relationship, but it was exactly the relationship I needed in order to want to be monogamous with someone. I thought this was it, my forever guy. But after almost three years, he left. At that point, I started taking extreme steps to "fix" myself, so I could win him back. I started seeing a counselor, reading every psychology book I could find that addressed my issues, and I started attending a twelve step group specifically for family members of alcoholics and addicts.

At first, I was doing all this work for him, to win him back. As time went on, however, and I saw how much better I felt as I started to heal from some of my past trauma, I stopped doing it for him and started doing it for me. As I continued to heal, I finally chose to stop chasing him and turned him down when he finally did want me back.

I am so grateful for that ex-boyfriend who set me on this path, even if it started out as a toxic journey on my part to try to fix myself and win his love, because today I am healing and growing for me and for my future partner whoever he may be, so that I can have a healthy love relationship with that person. I don't know who he is or when I will find him, but I do know that he will be worth the wait and the work. And even if I never find him, I am worth it. Because all of this work is helping me be a happier and healthier me even if I never have a man to share that with.

Obsession

You know that feeling when you have a crush on someone--the rush, the excitement, the constant daydreaming about the person? It feels good, all those happy hormones flooding your body. But if you're anything like me, you might end up wasting hours daydreaming about experiences with that person that haven't happened, aren't happening right now, and quite frankly may not ever happen. You might engage in this thinking at the expense of other things you should be getting done--in my case grading papers, doing laundry, or even just enjoying the present moment by reading a book or going for a hike. This kind of obsessive thinking is not the byproduct of a healthy mind, and I engage in this kind of thinking in just about every area of my life.

The other day I was writing a poem. I worked on it off and on throughout the day and was making really good progress on it, but I as got close to finishing it, I started to feel stuck. I started obsessing over words and phrasing and rhymes. The more I obsessed, the more frustrated I got, the more the last stanza just wouldn't come together, and then I started questioning everything else I had written up to that point. Maybe I would have to scrap it all and start over. I hadn't slept well the night before (one of the many negative side effects of obsession), so I decided to set the poem aside and take a nap. When I woke up from my nap, I was hungry, so I made some dinner. Once I had taken some time to take care of myself, I returned to the poem, and the ending came together in a relatively short time. This particular situation was relatively insignificant, but it shows how easily I can slip into obsessive thinking and how when I step away from my obsessive thoughts and take care of my actual needs, the solution usually comes with little effort.

I don't tend to worry much anymore. It's relatively easy for me to figure out whether I have any control over a problem or not and then either execute a solution or just let it go. Most of my obsessive thinking is daydreaming about the future. Like the example of having a crush, I will take various aspects of my life and engage in seemingly endless daydreaming about things I hope to happen next week, next month, next year. I have noticed that I spend several hours several evenings a week staring at my budget spreadsheet. There aren't any problems with my budget. It has been working well, and I am quite happy with it. The issue is that I wish I could accelerate my progress toward paying off my debts. I stare at the spreadsheet and imagine my next paycheck and the one after that and the one after that and envision how long it will take to pay off each debt. It's as if I think staring and my budget and thinking these thoughts will somehow accelerate the process. Some might argue that visualizing the results I want is a good way to maintain my motivation. (I don't know about you, but I'm a master at justifying ways my bad behavior is actually a good thing.) The problem, though, is that I don't do this for ten minutes. I do it for two or three hours. That's two to three hours wasted that I could have spent getting chores done, reading a book, working on my bathroom remodel that has been stalled out for 10 months, journaling, checking up on a friend, or meditating--things that would actually bring joy to my life and help me grow as a person or just do something productive.

I've noticed that my obsession is triggered by boredom. I really don't want to wash dishes or invest hard work in my remodeling project. It's much easier to sit and daydream. I get a sick pleasure from living in a fictional future space that allows me to escape an undesirable present moment. If I'm being honest with myself, there are a lot of ways in which I am dissatisfied with the present: I'm irritated that I can't make my debt disappear instantaneously, I am disgruntled with the fact that I have 20 more years until I can retire instead of being able to quit working now, I am unhappy with the fact that I don't have a romantic partner in my life. There is nothing I can do to change these circumstances right this moment. And rather than invest my energy into something that I do have control over, I am wasting hours upon precious hours of my life daydreaming about how I wish things were, which ultimately leaves me feeling worse than before I started obsessing.

This evening I had the opportunity to talk to a group of people struggling with this same issue and listen as they shared the ways they escape their obsessions. I can meditate, I can journal, I can read something that nourishes my soul, I can keep my head with my hands and get some chores done that I have been putting off, I can find a way to be of service to someone else. All of these things can help me get out of my toxic habit of obsessive thinking and do something with the present moment that is worthwhile and will enrich my life instead of waste it.

Over-Achiever

Completely unbeknownst to me, I grew up being affected by family members suffering with a variety of addictions including drugs, alcohol, and love. As a result, I suffered trauma that could otherwise have been avoided. Part of that trauma was feeling neglected and unloved in my family. Perfectionism and overachieving were the primary coping mechanisms I developed. Both allowed me to try to earn the love of my family and simultaneously prove to myself that I was completely unworthy of love. Never feeling good enough has permeated my life and my self-image, which in turn, drove me to strive harder. 

In my adult years, this turned into my own addiction. I became a workaholic. While I was working on my BA and MA degrees, I took double course loads. Once I secured adjunct teaching work, I would stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning grading, over-preparing for classes, and doing extra work I wasn't getting paid for in hopes that it would lead to a full-time, tenure track position. I was so stressed out all the time, that I eventually developed an allergy to stress and started experiencing all kinds of skin problems and compromising my immune system. I knew I was risking my health, and even worse neglecting my daughter, but I couldn't stop working and taking on more and more work.

I don't know exactly how I was able to hit the brakes on this toxic cycle, but after realizing what I was doing to myself and having met someone who inspired me to want to work less and spend more time with him and actually build a family together, I was able to cut out all the extra projects, streamline my teaching and grading load, and cut way back on my work altogether. That person is no longer in my life, but the lessons I learned from him remain in tact. I still have days, even weeks, where I feel overworked and overstressed, but overall I am in a much better place than I was 5-7 years ago. 

Today, I am preparing for a job interview for a position I have wanted and been working toward my whole life. I have been rejected for this position at least half a dozen times before, but each time I get closer to achieving my dream.  My feelings are complicated because being offered and accepting this position would mean more work and more responsibility, but it would also mean more autonomy, more authority, and more opportunity. When I think about why I want the job--why I have always wanted this job--it mostly boils down to the achievement and the love I think it will win me. I'm a professor, mommy. Will you love me now? I'm a professor, brother. Will you protect me now? I'm a professor, daddy. Will you come home now? I'm a professor, grandmother. Will you respect me now? I'm a professor, family. Am I good enough now? 

But for the first time in my life, I am starting to see that I am worthy of love outside any accomplishment. I am worthy of love just because I exist. I have been able to reach this understanding as a result of a lot of hard psychological and spiritual work. To my family's credit, several of them have been doing this kind of hard work too and been succeeding in showing me their love. I hope I am doing the same. 

I don't know if I'll be offered this job. There is still a part of me that longs for this validation from my colleagues and my employer. Overall, though, I know without doubt that I am great at what I do regardless of whether I get this position. Truthfully, a part of me does not want the job. I feel generally exhausted, defeated, and quite demoralized by my work. However, I also feel bored, stifled, and passionless, and I think this position could be the trigger I need to reignite my creativity and passion. 

One thing I do know now, though: I am worthy of love. Whatever others may think or feel, I love myself, and I don't need to achieve anything to earn my love or the love of others. 

On Love...

I keep seeing a post that says “Wait for the love you deserve.” I can’t find it, or I’d reshare it with this post. Let’s talk about DESERVE for a minute. Humans are wretched, repugnant creatures, every last one of us (yes me, and yes you). Don’t get me wrong: there’s a lot of beauty and wonder in people too. But none of use DESERVE anything, much less love. You all know I am not a religious person, but I was raised in the Christian faith, and I think all religions teach some very positive spiritual lessons (albeit some really misguided and terrible ones too, but that’s another post), and religious parables can be incredibly effective instructional tools. In the story of Jesus, god sent his son to teach humans about god’s love—not so you know how much god loves you, but so you know HOW god loves and how god wants you to love. (Yeah, yeah, we all know I don’t believe in god, but the metaphor is still valid.) The whole point of Jesus is that people don’t deserve god’s love but he gave it anyway, and none of us deserve the love of other humans either, but we’re supposed to give it anyway…not because any of us deserve it but because we all NEED it and need it equally. So how about we all stop focusing on the love we deserve and start focusing on the quality of the love we’re giving to our imperfect, wretched, repugnant, and wholly undeserving (albeit beautiful and wondrous whether you see it or not) fellow man (or woman or whatever you identify as). I don’t know about you, but I really want unconditional love, and while there’s absolutely nothing I can do to make anyone love me that way, I can choose to love others that way. It really sucks. It hurts—quite a lot sometimes—but only because my ego cares 1000x more about the love I get than the love I give. The universe has been trying to teach me unconditional love for awhile now. I admit, I have been obstinate in my resistance. I give up. I give in. The only way this love can exist in this world is we choose to be it—regardless of whether or not we get it. Love is how we change the world, and if you don’t believe me, watch these videos:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZl6UjCxfsk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7fh5J_mo5E

https://www.facebook.com/buzzfeedfyi/videos/633308847052790/